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You are such a Xiaoniu

Xiaoniu

f/1.8, 1/25sec, 90mm, ISO800 | Shang Qiu, China

“Selfie”

One day, I was asked if I could recall the last time I need to deal with a difficult person, I said I could rarely remember any of them because I myself might be the most difficult one, troubling others very frequently.

I once lost the control of my emotion and shouted to one of my bosom buddies for no reason. Knowing that I did it with the intention of hurting her, she did not react and attack to defend herself. Few hours after my impulsive response, I received a message saying that, “I would be rather willing to back you up when you feel like stepping on me. However, I did not try calming you down at the moment when I could see some opposite effects by dong so” Her message was the end to my awful emotion and also a fresh start to our relationship.

I once became very impatient to teach my mom how to use an electronic gadget, the tones and words used by me turned to be impolite even sarcastic after repeating the same function for several times. Unfortunately, I was not aware of my rudeness until she lowered her voice to a whisper. As a heavy silence blanketed the room, I could not help speculating how a thunderstorm would come. When I finally screwed up the courage to look at my mom she had been already moving her attention to check some invoices. Thankfully, she didn’t seem to be emotionally involved which partly reduced my feeling of guilt. However, if I had an another chance to teach my mom, no matter what things were referred to, I would take it seriously and sweetly, to be qualified as her daughter.

Sometimes, acceptance and tolerance from family and close friends are taken for granted.This is definitely not supposed to be, and could become a trigger to an emotional outburst, for example, an irrational response always turns the conversation from one-side negative expression into a battle of two egos, leading to an unproductive dispute about Who is Right? Thus, we should never deem it as a natural and an honest reaction, it does, however, feed our ego’s need for conflict,as a result, cripple ourselves by making up imaginary enemies.

Apart from apology, I did felt grateful for everybody around me, from family to some just known people.

Early in the yesterday morning, I was still sleeping like a rock when my Sanskrit tutor arrived. In order to deliver the lesson in a suitable time for both of us, he got up at 4:30am and spent one hour riding to my place. Even though I set up 2 alarms on my account, it could not be the excuses of being over-slept. I thought he would be angry with me, but he didn’t. Looking at my half-closed eyes, he smiled and said, “Did I interrupt your sweet dream?”. I kind of relieved and said, “Actually, someone was asking your name in my dream and I was about to speak it up, and this was not a sleep talking for sure.”

Once again, I question myself, as the a sentient being blessed with intelligence, am I able to control my response to surroundings? I could rarely give a fully positive answer at this moment but I would be happy questioned in my entire life.

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